How did we end up here?
by hamstro130
Summary: They were perfect together. She wanted the fairytale. But mostly she wanted him. He wanted her. So he did what he do best, tried to lock her down. She didn't want to be locked down. He ran away. Now two years later, two shattered heart tries to heal.
1. Chapter 1

**How did we end up here?**

**1. I promised I wouldn't lose you, but I did. **

He looked out over the dark skyline of Paris and he couldn't help but wonder that it should have been New York and Empire State instead of where he was, in a hotel in Paris looking out over the majestic form of the Eifel tower. He couldn't understand how he ended up here, it was ironic really. He hade always been the lost boy, running around unsure of what life meant and what he should do with his so he covered it up with booze, endless one-night stands and throwing around money until he got tired and got stoned or high or something that just could make him forget about his pitiful way of living life. Then he had met Blair Waldorf, maybe it wasn't that unusual that a girl could change a boy to something better, something more but the story of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf was something special. It wasn't anything ordinary with their story at all. It was something more. It was blood, sweat and tears. It was agony. It was pain. It was heartbreaking in so many ways. But mainly, it was happiness. It was inevitable. It was chemistry. It was love. If it had stayed with that, there really hadn't been anything ironic with his position today, but it didn't stay there.

Everyone always thought, no they _knew _that Blair Waldorf would want the house, the kids, the marriage, the summerhouse in France, there were never any doubts about that because she had wanted it since she was five and Blair Waldorf always got what she wanted so when Chuck Bass finally said that he loved her everyone assumed that it was only a matter of time before she would demand all of the things that considering her would make her life perfect in that fairytale kind of way that only a Waldorf could imagine. To everyone's surprise it never happened. Blair went to college, Chuck ruled Bass Industries like he was born to do it and they were perfectly happy. Until that damn feeling Chuck had tried to lock down and swallow the key to appeared again, insecurity. Why did he have to be so damn insecure? Had Blair ever done something that should get him insecure? Okay, maybe in the past, with Nate and everything but wasn't they past that? So, that September evening almost two years ago he should have let it go. Because just because they didn't live at the same place or didn't meet up every day didn't meant that Blair didn't love him as much as he loved her. She was in colleges for god's sake! Of course she couldn't babysit him every free hour. But it didn't matter how much he convinced himself that everything were okay, that stupid nagging feeling inside him wouldn't go away and he had to do something. Anything. Because he wouldn't lose Blair Waldorf, not now, not never.

So he did what Chuck Bass do best, he made sure that he got what he wanted. Just like all of his possessions he would lock Blair down. He proposed. It was craziness really, they'd been together two years, they were not even legal. But Chuck was insecure and he was afraid. Of losing the love of his life. He did it anyways. Of course Blair said no, not because the didn't want her fairytale with her prince, not because she didn't love him, just because it was to soon, to sudden, to unprepared and maybe the biggest factor: It screamed Chuck and his insecurities from miles away and Blair Waldorf wouldn't be Blair Waldorf if she couldn't smell that from miles distant. So she said no. So Chuck did what he did second best, he ran away. He fled. He didn't want to b a failure. But he was. And he couldn't stand to face Blair after her rejection of him. He left in the darkness of the New York night, like a thief who hates the light because then everyone can see his real colors. He didn't want to hear Blair plead him to stay, or her tears or her heart shattering in thousand pieces all because of him. It wasn't because he was a cold, heartless shell of a human, it was because he couldn't see her break down when he barely hold himself together as it was. And it was because he was afraid. Afraid of what he might've seen in Blair's eyes that day. Not hate, not rage, not coldness. But agony, pain, hurt and the worst of all: love.


	2. Chapter 2

**2. Why isn't love ever enough for us?**

Serena flipped through the papers as usual; news was not really her kind of genre. She took a sip of her morning coffee but stopped point blank when she saw a big fat interview in the middle of the paper with no other than her dear stepbrother who's been away for two years now. She started to read the interview when a certain petite brunette entered.

"Serena! How are you?", the brunette asked as if they hadn't seen each other for a week when they actually saw each other just the other night.

"Nothing special," Serena answered, though she was a little bit distracted and of course Blair noticed that.

"What are you reading that's so intriguing?"

They hadn't really talked about what happened that night two years ago and Serena didn't really now if now was a good time to bring it up, but at the same time, when would it ever be a good time to bring up the earth shattering and passionate relationship between her best friend and her stepbrother?

"It's just-" She was interrupted by Blair who had seen the big picture of Chuck posing in front of the Eifel tower.

"Oh."

"Yeah, he seems to be doing well", Serena approached the subject cautiously. Blair got something distant in her eyes.

"Well, that's good", she replied quietly.

"Can you read the article?" she continued.

"Are you sure B? I mean you haven't talked about him in over two years and I don't really know what actually happened"

"That's between me and him. Can you please just read it?"

Serena looked curiously at Blair but nodded slowly when she saw the determination in her friend's eyes.

"The former bad boy and womanizer of the New York's Upper East Side Chuck Bass have developed into a CEO of a multibillion company. At the age of 22 he has achieved many things that most people only can dream of but what we're interested in is what is it really that drives Bass forward? Is it money? Power? Confirmation? Our reporter David Fincher met up with the very successful man to find out more about Chuck Bass and his mysterious private life that wasn't always so mysterious. Not in the old days but it seems that the successful CEO not only changed city but also changed himself.

– How come we haven't heard about you in almost two years? You usually was the center of the spotlight and now you're even harder to find than Michael Jackson was when he lived. –

Well, I'm a private person. I really don't find anything exciting with tabloids or gossip sites.

– But you certainly did when you were younger, right?

– I have grown up a lot since then.

The smirk isn't really there this time and it's something dark in Mr. Bass tone. It's hard to recognize from the always smirking and seductive Chuck Bass we learned to love.

- In which ways?

Bass is quiet for a long time, not because he doesn't want to answer the question or is nonchalant, simply because he's thinking about how to express himself.

- I really don't know, man. I mean, when I was younger, I guess in some ways I thought I was invincible. That nothing or no one could stop me. And maybe that was my problem. I guess I've learned that you have to be tough in business but you can't take your job home and you have to have some kind of private life because if you're successful or in the spotlight for any other reason it's really behind close doors you can just relax and be yourself. If you're not intimidated by being exposed, then you have no private life and in the end that destroys you. To not be able to have any secrets or flaws is impossible to live with in the long run. My point is that I've done things I regret, things I wish I could take back, but I can't and in a way that destroys me and then it doesn't matter how successful I am or how much money and power I have because when I close the doors at night from the public eye I don't have anything.

To say that we're shocked over that sincere and open story from Bass is an understatement. We're not used with the CEO to get this close, this personal. He's never been before but it's obvious that something or _someone _changed him. We could only guess who that could be because after this heartfelt confession Bass goes back to the formal manners although he does offer us a smirk then and then."

Serena dropped the paper, there was a page left but nothing of any real substance. Just some questions about his success and plans for the future. Serena took the chance to look carefully at her friend who hadn't said a word since she started to read.

"Hey, B. How are you?" she asked carefully. Blair looked up at her.

"Oh, I'm fine. It was a good interview though. He really has grown up, huh?" If you never had met Blair Waldorf before you might've believed her but Serena knew her friend too well to know that everything was definitely not okay. There might have been jealousy and stupid things between them but they had always relied on each other and Serena was apart from her stepbrother the person who knew Blair Waldorf better than anyone. And Blair Waldorf was definitely not okay. But she wouldn't admit that herself so Serena just had to play along until the opportunity to confront Blair and make her deal with what had happened came.

"Yeah, I guess he has."

Serena continued to say something but Blair was already far away. For the first time in a long time she allowed herself to travel back in the time. She let memories of her and Chuck together, happy as they were supposed to be, wash over her. In her mind she could allow her to smile, because it seemed that Chuck really had grown up in a way she never would have imagined two years ago. As happy as it made her, because although everything that had happened she wanted him to be happy, she also felt a bit sad because she knew what their last fight had been about. It had been about him and the fact that she thought he had to grow up which was a sore subject because he had matured a lot since they first fell for each other in their junior year and the fact that she thought he wasn't mature enough made him feel insecure which was the main reason that they was not happy together as they should have been.

"_Chuck, you can't just propose to me because you need to be sure that I don't leave you.", she said quiet but with a determination that scared him because that meant that he could beg, plead or promise her the world and that would still not be enough for her to say yes to him. Maybe she didn't want to break up but for him it felt that way. Se didn't want to marry him. That was the cold truth, at least that's what he saw and that's what she said. _

"_I love you, isn't that enough? Does marriage have a certain age? You know that we never were the ones for rules anyway." He tried so desperately to joke about it because he couldn't stand the seriousness in her answer. _

"_You know I love you too but I know that we aren't ready. We're way too young and we still fight over silly things and we still want our freedom. We don't want to be locked down at the age of twenty. I want marriage, kids and all that stuff with you but not now. Someday in the future I will want that and I know we will have that together because I love you and you love me and our love is epic. I know that in my heart. You have to believe me Chuck." She pleaded to him, to understand her, to accept the fact that they could wait and in the future they would have their fairytale. But he was still Chuck Bass, and although Blair just had professed her undying love for him he as the insecure jerk that he was couldn't get it thorough. All he could hear was that she didn't want to marry him, she wanted to be free. _

"_So, you want to date other guys? I'm not enough for you? You want to make sure that there isn't someone else out there who's better before you marry me because otherwise you might do a mistake? Is that it Blair?" Blair looked at him in shock, as if she hadn't heard anything more ridiculous. It made an ironic scene, Blair who looked startled at Chuck while he looked completely serious and you could see the anger in his eyes mixed with insecurity build up. _

"_Are you kidding me? I've just told you that I love you and I want to marry you in the future and you think I want to break up? Are you high?" She almost hoped he was because then this wouldn't be a nightmare. This would be a Chuck on drugs which would've been way better than a Chuck that still was the boy he were years ago. Possessive, jealous, insecure, jumping to conclusions. _

"_You said you didn't want to marry me!"He was screaming now. _

"_Did you not hear a word I said? I want to marry you in the future!" She started to get pissed of at him; couldn't he just listen to her instead of acting like a five year old? _

"_In the future? Well, we all know how that will go, don't we Blair?" he said contemptuously. _

"_What's wrong with you? Can't you just grow up once and for all! Have faith in me, have faith in us! But mostly, have faith in yourself." _

_Chuck laughed a hollow laugh that didn't reach his eyes. It wasn't anything happy with it at all; it was cruel and sounded nothing any way near his usual laugh. Or at least what had become his usual laugh when he was around her. That laugh made her warm inside; it made her happy to know that he also was happy. It was the best laugh Blair had ever heard; when he laughed she couldn't be mad or feel that the world was a misery place to live. He was her sun. _

"_Have faith? You reject me and you tell me to have faith?" _

"_I didn't reject you. Until now. I can't do this Chuck. You need to grow up and this can never work. I do us both a favor and walk away. Maybe in the future. But I want you to know that I love you, I still do with all my heart and I hope you find the wonderful guy that professed his love for me inside you because I know he exists." Blair walked out and left a broken Chuck behind her. When she closed the door she let the tears fall, why was everything this hard? Maybe it was true that real love had to be hard or else it didn't count. But as she exhausted climbed into her bed later at night she wondered if love couldn't be easy and right at the same time because if it couldn't she wasn't sure she ever would want to be in love again. _


	3. Chapter 3

**3. I cannot live without you so why am I here?**

After that horrible night two years ago Chuck decided that he couldn't stay in New York, because he wouldn't be able to see her every day and he would probably see her a lot if he stayed because they ran around in the same circles of friends so it would be inevitable, just like he thought they had been but no, life wanted something else so therefore he had to go away. He really didn't know why it became France but it was far away and his subconscious said that it was because Blair had strong bands to France so therefore he in a sort of way still was connected to Blair. It was crazy to think so, if someone would know his depraved mind right now they would probably send him to a mental institution. But was it really that crazy to let your actions be controlled of your love for someone he thought to himself. Yes, it was, at least when that supposedly love was now gone and he should be moving forward instead of grasping for every little thing that reminded him of her. He was Chuck Bass for god's sake! So he buried his thoughts, his feelings and his heart and ran away from it all. Now when he had lived in France for two years he had to admit that it wasn't that bad and he could understand why Blair loved it so much, not only because her father lived here but simply because it was a beautiful country and it was nothing like New York. He'd spent his days working and met potential business partners and he tried not to think about a certain brunette that owned his heart. But of course she was not something he could avoid or bury; she was like his ghost and in a way that was comforting, to know that even if they weren't together and maybe they never would be again at least he'd have a part of her with him. Maybe it was typical for them, to love each other so much that they couldn't separate pain and love, for them it was the same. Because they were the most self destructive people he knew, you had to be if you preferred to feel pain just to be assured that your love is real. If they didn't feel pain, they didn't feel love.

So when he saw that article earlier today he knew that she would understand what he meant, at least he hoped she would because then it would be hope for them. He was so curious to know how her life had been, how she was and mostly if she ever thought about him. He had talked to Serena and Eric, they were the ones that kept him grounded and in the real world because he was lonelier than ever. He might've been successful but he didn't have anyone to share that with, the thought of that made him want to go back to New York and rush to meet her and just be with her. Because when he was with her he didn't feel lonely, with her he was the luckiest person in the world. Throughout the weekly calls with his siblings he found out that she seemed to do really good and that she finally had adjusted to NYU. But he could also tell that she wasn't perfectly fine, not that Serena or Eric said anything that indicated that she was _not_ fine but he had always been good at reading people and he could tell. She was missing something. She was missing him. Or at least he hoped that she did. Because he missed her, more than words could describe. He would do anything for her; there was not even a question about that anymore. He just wondered if that would be enough.

"_Hey, Blair. You know I love you, don't you?" Chuck asked her quietly one peaceful night when they were up on the roof of the Empire. _

"_Yeah, I know you do. I love you too, don't you ever forget that Chuck Bass," Blair replied softly and laid her head on his shoulder. _

"_There's nothing I wouldn't do for you."_

"_I don't doubt that for a second. You're my prince."_

_Chuck smiled at her softly and wondered how they, who was the coldest and most manipulative people on the UES, had become the warm and loving people who talked about their dreams and their hopes for the future. _

"_Do you ever wonder what would have been if we never met each other?"_

"_Every day. But I don't want to because I cannot imagine a future without you."_

"_You promise?" he asked as if he couldn't really believe what she was saying._

"_Yeah, it's scaring that I'm so depending on another person but it's the truth." _

They couldn't live without each other but still they'd done it for two years. It was something wrong with them.

"Hey, it's Chuck Bass here. I wonder if you could get me a ticket to New York as soon as possible." Chuck put his cell phone on the table, went to the mini bar and poured himself a double scotch. He was going home. Damn, it felt good!

**Hey, again! Right now I'm very inspired and the homework can wait, at least for now. But as I said, I might not be able to write more until Thursday but we'll see about that. I hope you'll like where this will go. Chuck and Blair might not meet each other next chapter but they will see each other pretty soon and then what will happen only time can tell. I hope you don't feel that Chuck is too soft or mushy; I kinda just want to describe the journey and change he has gone through. **


	4. Chapter 4

**4. It's about time you break.**

"Oh, hey S! Dinner? I'm sorry, I don't think I can make it. But I'll se you later. Love you!" Blair closed her cell phone and went back to the kitchen where her two best friends from NYU cooked something that smelled amazing.

"What's that?" Blair asked curious.

"That's my mom's secret recipe on pasta with shellfish. Only in the Greece kitchen of course!" Michael said and beamed at her. Blair laughed, Michael was half Greek and very proud of it, as a matter of fact he just wouldn't shut up about it.

"Remember me why you live in USA?" Jessica asked and rolled her eyes at him but only when she was sure that he was occupied with the stove. Blair laughed again and couldn't believe that she finally met some friends that she really liked. The fact was that they weren't even like her, Michael was raised in New Hampshire and Jessica was a real southern girl with roots in Texas. They were with other word nothing like Blair and maybe that was exactly why she liked them so much. They had been friends with her for about a year now and even though neither of them knew the whole story with Blair and Chuck they still had been there for her.

"So, what are you guys doing on Saturday?" Michael asked happily.

"I thought we could catch a movie, isn't there like another vampire movie out now?" he continued.

"Yeah, sounds fun," Blair answered.

"Well, not that I like vampire movies but I'm going to visit an old friend in New Jersey," Jessica said.

"Oh, okay. Well, do you still want to go Blair?" Michael asked.

Blair hesitated, she knew she and Michael was just friends but going to the movies and maybe dinner after was an awful lot like a date and she wasn't ready for that. Yes, it had been two years but Chuck wasn't just any other guy. He was the guy she thought she would spend the rest of her life with and you couldn't just make that go away easily even if the guy in the picture ran away. And even though she liked Michael, he was sweet, nice, and easy to talk with, funny and he was cute, she didn't really see him that way and she didn't want to lead him on. But on the other hand, he was a great friend, she could use a night out and they had been friends for about a year and he had never done anything that implied that he wanted something more than friendship.

"Yeah, why not! It could be fun and I do love a good vampire once in a while," she grinned.

"So, what did you do last night?" Serena asked while they were at their favorite diner (yes, Blair Waldorf did go to diners, but of course only if they did meet her requirements and had a certain sense of class and style)

"Oh, nothing special. I was with Mike and Jess. Mike cooked us dinner," she said polite. Blair took some fries and dipped them in the ice cream. Serena looked at her suspiciously. Blair was many things, but not polite. And definitely not this formal when she spoke to her best friend. Something was going on.

"Well, that sounds nice. But why do I get the feeling that it's something you're not telling me?"

"So you're starting a third degree cross examination?" Blair asked skeptically.

"Well, you're obviously not spilling anything on free will."

"Okay, okay. So Mike and I are going to the movies on Saturday," Blair huffed as if it was the most ridiculous idea she ever heard.

"Don't be ashamed B! He's a real great guy," Serena smiled, she was happy that her friend seemed to be more and more outgoing for each year that went. The first year after that Chuck left Blair became this empty shell who did all the things she was supposed to do but she never seemed to like anything or dislike anything either for that matter. It was as if she just existed and nothing more. Her body was there but her mind seemed to be some place else entirely. It was scary. Because Serena had never felt more helpless, if Blair had been angry or sad or just felt anything for that matters that would have been okay and they could've dealt with that and then moved on but it hadn't been so because that was not Blair's way of dealing with things.

But when she met Michael and Jessica Serena finally got to see a real, genuine smile from her best friend. And she would be forever thankful for them because without them Blair might've gone down the rabbit hole and then things could have been much worse than they were now.

"It's nothing like that! I don't… I just don't see him that way."

"Well, forgive me for being so stupid. I mean dinner and going to the movies doesn't sound like a date at all!"

Blair could trace the sarcasm in Serena's voice from miles distant and recognize the smirk in her best friends face better than a cat could tell the difference between a mouse and a rat.

"It's not funny Serena. I mean, even if Mike is a great guy I really don't want to have a relationship. Not right now."

"You've said that for two years now, you know," Serena said more serious and very gentle because she knew she was on a dangerous ground.

"I know. I just can't, you know? I guess a crazy part of me thinks if I do see other guys I will betray_ him_ and I know I sound ridiculous but I loved him Serena! God, I really did love him," Blair said and started to sob. Serena didn't say anything, she didn't have to, she just wrapped her arms around Blair and let her friend slowly and painfully get through her first breakdown since Chuck left.

Serena hated to see her friend break down but in a way it was comforting because that proved that Blair was human, that she still could feel and that if she only got the time she would be able to meet someone, feel love and be happy once again. Maybe it would take another two years, maybe ten or maybe two decades but there still was hope and for now that was more than enough.

**What can I say; I'm so happy for the reviews. It's just so rewarding and it totally makes my day! I love to write but I honestly never thought that writing and getting response could give you so much! Thanks to you all **

**As far as the story goes, it was nice to hear that you liked my portrayal of Chuck and I will definitely keep in mind of your suggestions for his character and storyline. I can admit that I think Chuck in season 3 is pretty boring. I want fireworks, passion, the dark and a little bit dangerous Chuck with the wit and the sarcasm. Not the stern, formal, wannabe Bart Chuck that we're now getting. But I love the last episode, 3x12. Finally some drama and Chuck was again not perfect and you finally got to see some of his dark side and his drama inside of him, and loved how Blair was there for him all the time! **


	5. Chapter 5

**5. I'm terrified because I love you and I screwed up. **

Chuck stared at his laptop. He was going home. He still couldn't believe it. He missed New York. He missed the city, the energy, the morning bagel he always ate together with coffee with Christmas-spices from Starbucks, the feeling of an endless amount of possibilities. He missed Nate, Eric, Lily and Serena. They were his family now. He had accepted that and he even liked it, it felt nice to know where you were going to spend your Sundays. Together with your family, eating and sharing what's been going on in your life. But most of all he missed _her_. Eric, Lily and Serena might be his family but Blair was his _true_ family.

His soul mate he would say if he didn't think that kind of things were extremely cheesy. She understood him like nobody else did. She loved him as much as he loved her, he was sure of that. But still, he was terrified. Terrified of seeing her, looking into those hazel brown eyes that had gone through so much pain and almost all of it because of him. He had lain awake hours and hours in Paris staring up at the ceiling trying to analyze what had gone wrong and why he was there, in a doubled king size bed in Paris without her instead of being in New York with her by his side, but it always came down to one simple conclusion. He was a jerk. There were no other excuses he could come up with, just the simple fact that there must be something seriously wrong with him, because which person with a normal, functional brain would escape when he had the world's most beautiful girl telling him all of her plans for _their _future _together_? Chuck was brought back to reality when his phone rang.

"Hey man! How's life?" Nate asked.

"Life's okay, I'm on my jet right now but I'll call you later, okay?"

"What? Jet, why?" Nate sounded as confused as ever.

"Later my friend, later." Chuck hung up. He had no idea what he would do when he came home. To go to see her was out of the question. He was too afraid. Maybe he could go to Serena and Eric and ask for advice. Except Chuck Bass didn't ask for advices, did he?

Apparently he did because as soon as the plane had landed he found himself outside the penthouse that once had been sort of a home to him too.

"What? Oh my god, what are you doing here Chuck?" Serena gasped.

"What does it look like? No family hugs?" Chuck smirked. Chuck got in and joined Eric who sat in the living room.

"It's been a while," Eric said simply.

"Yeah, it sure has," Chuck didn't really now what to say, what did you say to the people you only had spoken to on the phone the last two years?

"So, why are you here?" Serena asked suspiciously.

"I need a reason now to come home?" Chuck was being defensive, of course he understood that they all wanted an explanation but he was too proud to give them that. So, he was being defensive instead.

"Jeez, I don't know Chuck. Maybe because you left two years ago without so much as a note and you know more what you did? You broke _her_ Chuck! She was so happy with you and then you had to go and be such a jerk again! Why?" Serena's gaze was glazy; it was obvious that she was on the verge of tears mixed with anger against him.

"Because it was for the best!" Chuck had gone to a standing position and he was now yelling which only seem to wake the angry side of Serena. She would protect her friend at any cause, and especially from Chuck Bass.

"For the best?? Are you really as dumb as we all thought you were six years ago?"

"Well, maybe I am!? Because it was so stupid of me to think that Blair would ever want me, right?"

"Maybe if you stopped worrying about Nate and started to think about your own problems you could actually get Blair back!"

"So now you want us to get together?" Chuck looked at her and frowned but she could see the light of hope in his eyes. As much as both knew that Blair was independent and she would decide who she would date all by her self, the fact remained that Serena was her best friend and her approval would help Chuck a lot.

"No, I don't. But I know Blair loves you. She never stopped. And that girl is great in so many ways and she deserves a happy ending."

Chuck sighed and sat down at the couch. Eric who had remained silent and just observed his siblings looked relieved.

"I really don't deserve her, do I?"

"No, you don't," both Eric and Serena said. Chuck let a small smile escape, he already knew that before they had said anything.

"So, how is she?" Chuck asked concerned.

"Well, it's been two years Chuck. She's not dying," she said sarcastic, although Serena wanted Blair to be happy she couldn't help but let Chuck suffer and she wouldn't be easy on him. If he wanted Blair back, then it was all on him.

"I guess she's moved on," Chuck said with defeat in his voice. Had she really moved on? It seemed weird, not that Blair wouldn't get over him but more that it wasn't typical Blair Waldorf to get over things easily. Especially not when it came to Chuck Bass, right?

"No, actually she hasn't." It was the first time Eric spoke up.

"She might seem fine but Blair and I've always liked each other, she's always been like another sister to me and I know her. Maybe not as good as you but I do know her and I can tell that's she's not fine," he continued.

"Truth tells, it's been scary really. She's been acting so polite in a very creepy way and not once she's mentioned your name. Yesterday when the article about you was out, she had the first break down since you left. Two years Chuck, two years." Serena looked at Chuck whose face was written with guilt and worries all over.

"Fuck, what am I gonna do?" Chuck buried his face in his hand while he thought about the idea that he might lose Blair Waldorf forever.

**I hoped you all liked the chapter! Would love to hear your thoughts about it! I will probably be able to update pretty much in the nearest future. **

**Hope you'll have a good weekend! =)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey again! I want to thanx for the reviews from guardian izz and xoxogg4lifexoxo =) **

**guardian izz: glad to hear you liked it, I can only speak for myself but for me in love and relationship and that kind of stuff two years is a long time but it's also an amount of time that people might fall back in love in more, not easily but maybe understandable because if it gets to much of time in between it's more likely that it will be over forever. But on the other hand, with Chuck and Blair, they could probably be apart for ten years and still find a way to love each other :P**

**xoxogg4lifexoxo: exciting, isn't it. well I look forward to see tat too! **

**6****. Coming home is never easy.**

Two years was a long time. Blair Waldorf knew that better than anyone. Because she had been forced to live without the person she loved the most for two years and she might never be able to have him. She didn't really know if she wanted him anyway. There was no doubt that she loved him, she had tried to deny that but there were no idea anymore. But he had hurt her. More than anyone and she couldn't live like that. Trust and love had been hard for her. In a way he had ruined her. She despised him for that. But although she'd been broken since he left she hadn't allowed herself to cry or break down, not until yesterday to be more exact. She didn't know what had made her break down so completely in front of her best friend. Maybe it was time. It felt good in a way, knowing that he seemed to have moved on and grown up and now it was her time. She would leave it all behind her and that felt good. The fact that she and Chuck probably never would get their happy ending broke her heart but at the same time it set her free. Now she just had to fly.

"I've missed this place," Chuck said nostalgic when he and Eric entered the Palace bar.

"Of course you have, you're Chuck Bass."

Chuck smirked. It felt good to hang out with Eric.

They sat down and talked and drank and just had a good time.

"I miss her," Chuck suddenly said.

"You should tell her that."

"She will never forgive me," Chuck said quietly and a wave of empathy washed over Eric because his brother seemed so helpless, just like the lost boy he was so many years ago.

* * *

"Serena, I'm meeting Mike at the Palace in about two hours, would you like to take a drink or something before?" Blair asked her friend while she was running around in her apartment and tried to find something appropriate to wear. She didn't want Mike to get the impression that this would be a _real_ date but at the same time, she couldn't have jeans now, could she?

"Yeah, sure. Sounds fun. Meet you at outside the palace at six?"

"God, it's been forever since I've been here," Blair sighed.

"Yeah, me too. I remember when I came back from boarding school and I got the best sandwich here that I've ever eaten," Serena said dreamily.

Blair remembered, it was also then Chuck had tried to make a move on Serena and although they all knew it they never talked about it. It was still a sore subject because maybe Blair could handle that Chuck had slept with half of the women on Manhattan but at least they were nameless, and in her opinion, _whores_ who he didn't give a damn about. With Serena it was different, she was _one _of them. And Chuck was the one thing that Serena didn't have. The one thing she hadn't taken from Blair. And Blair could on some level accept all the thing Serena had taken from her as long as she didn't take Chuck. But when she heard about him making a move on Serena it broke her heart. She had always lived in the shadow of Serena but at least, even when she was dating Nate, she knew that Chuck always saw her as the number. The fact that Chuck had forced himself upon Serena was not only wrong but also proved to her that he had chosen Serena over her. Okay, she might not be entirely fair because they weren't exactly dating then and Chuck wasn't really her Chuck then but sometimes it felt that way. And she hated it. It brought back all of her old insecurities.

"Uh huh, well Serena, get us seats while I go to the bathroom."

Blair got in to the bathroom and turned on the faucet. The sound of running water reminded her of her high school days. The routine performed so often that she had been quite an expert of. Going in, turn on the faucet, look herself in the mirror, put up her hair in a ponytail, look herself in the mirror once again, kneel on the floor, let the pain out, flush, make herself presentable, joining the others at the table, pretend nothing happened.

Blair looked herself in the mirror. She hadn't thought about him for so long and then he had to go and appear in a stupid magazine! Oh, who was she kidding, of course she thought about him! She had just buried it, lived in denial because that was what she did best. And now it all came back and she didn't like it. So she did what she used to do, she let the pain out.

Serena went looking for a place to sit when she saw the shape of her little brother Eric sitting in the bar. She quickly made her way over to him and apparently he had company.

"Hey Eric!" she called out but froze when she saw who exactly had held Eric company.

"Ch… Chuck?" she stuttered.

"Hello to you too sis," Chuck said and gave her a hug which was not responded from a very shocked blonde.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, I missed the yellow cabs," Chuck said and smirked.

"Haha, very fun Chuck. We all know you never have stepped a foot into a yellow cab. Seriously, why?"

Just when Chuck was about to answer a certain petite brunette entered and all four of them froze. But it was nothing compared to Blair. She froze on her spot and looked at Chuck like he was a ghost that she would not suppose to see because then everyone would think she was delusional.

"Chuck? Is that you?" Blair asked shocked. Chuck hesitated but decided that now was a good time as ever. He got up from his chair and walked slowly towards Blair.

"Hey."

"Hey," she responded but she didn't look him in the eyes. For two years she had dreamt about this, to finally see him right in front of her and now when he was in front of her she didn't know what to say. They stood still for a long time, Blair still looked down at the floor and Chuck didn't really know where he looked. Probably at her because she looked amazing. After what felt eternity Blair finally met his eyes. He loved those eyes.

"You want to go for a walk?" He asked her cautiously.

"Okay."

* * *

"You think they're going to be alright?" Serena with concern.

"I don't know. They've always been before but I mean, it's been two years. It's a long time. But I sure hope so, they're meant for each other," Eric said.

"I hope you're right."

**Finally Chuck and Blair meet each other again! Let the games begin xD**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey! I can tell you all that I'm looking forward to write Chuck and Blair, they're so interesting and complex and it just makes the whole writing process exciting and challenging! **

**Guardian izz: I love your reviews; they kind of make my day! So detailed and it's so fun to hear what your thoughts is! =) **

**I also totally get what you mean with the whole Chuck/Serena/Blair thing. Ultimately I kind of based it all on Blair's insecurities and that would be her way of remembering and seeing it. Because I totally agree with you that both Chuck would think she is way more attractive and beautiful and he's never been interested in Serena but Blair being Blair sometimes has hard to get that and well, that's pretty much it. Haha, I'm also one of these persons that never understands why Chace and Blake always is considered most beautiful and good looking of the cast. For me Leighton and Ed just have "it", both in looks, charisma, personality and acting. **

**HnM skinnys: Hope you liked it, although this will be a light version of what to expect next, at least if I get all my pretty thoughts down on paper (or technically document on the computer but anyways; P) **

**Xoxogg4lifexoxo: They certainly has! **

**7. We're not the same as we used to be. **

They walked in silence for a while. The only thing you could hear was the gravel that cracked beneath their feet. Chuck looked up at Blair hesitantly but she just kept on walking and focused her gaze at the road.

"So, how have you been?" he asked finally.

"I've been good," she replied, still without looking at him face. Somehow he still couldn't believe her words. How could she have been good when he had been, well not good, more like miserable. Although he had spent the last two years trying to forget about it all, but now he was back in the city and it was time to deal with it.

"Why don't I believe you?" Chuck asked playfully but still with a hint of seriousness.

"Well, maybe because you've never been able to trust anybody," Blair snapped. Chuck looked taken back and that kind of made her regret her outburst.

"Wow, where did that come from?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry," she said quietly. Blair Waldorf apologized now? That one he hadn't seen coming.

"You're not like you used to be. You never apologized before. Even when you did something wrong and certainly not when you hadn't done something wrong."

"Yes, I did. I apologized to you," she looked at him with softness in her eyes but it was still something distant in them. Before he could say something she continued.

"But you're right. I'm not the same person I was. I never will be. And you're not the same either. You know, I didn't expect you here and I don't really know if I want you here but can you tell me something Chuck? Why are you here?"

He wanted to say that he missed her. That he couldn't live without her. That being without her was like having a mountain of food but nothing to drink. He would die if he didn't get anything to drink and that soon. But he didn't say that. He didn't really know what stopped him, maybe it was the uncertainness in her eyes, the distant, the look that said that maybe she loved him but that would not be enough?

"It's my home. You know, I always liked to be single in this city," he smirked but he felt like crying because he knew that his words had hurt her, at least they would have to the old Blair and she seemed more cold, bitchy and tough than this new version. The new Blair seemed fragile, vulnerable and lost to him and although he liked the softness in her he wanted the fire and the fight she always used to have. Maybe he'd been apart from her for too long to actually know if she had all the things he thought he could see in her now, maybe she was perfectly fine and he had just ruined her peace.

Blair felt his words hit her, why did it hurt so damn much? So what, it's not like she didn't now he was single. They had been apart for two freaking years and it wasn't like he dated anyone! She had Mike! Except she didn't, right? Because they were just friends, wasn't that what she wanted? God, why did her life have to be such a mess? Did God really hate her that much? Well, she figured she must have done something wrong because there were no way she could have this amount of bad luck.

"Yeah, I guess so," she said and walked away. She didn't look back at him once; she didn't want him to see the tears that started to pour down her face. It was ironic really, it had gone two years without her crying over Chuck Bass and now she'd cried over him twice in the span of two days.

Chuck walked back into the bar; he did feel like a jerk right now. Maybe he hand't said anything real cruel to Blair but he had deliberately said something he knew would hurt her and that was probably worse because Blair knew he could be cruel but she also knew that when he was he often didn't mean it, it just came out because that was who he was but now he had done it on purpose and that was in a way unforgivable. But that's what they were, right? They hurt each other and still came back for more. They were Chuck and Blair. Blair and Chuck.

"How did it go?" Serena asked carefully.

"Well, it went," Chuck said and sighed.

"That well, huh?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"Just give it time", Eric advised. Chuck laughed.

"You've always been the wise one. I missed you, little bro."

"What about me, you missed me?" Serena said and gave him puppy eyes.

"Yes, I missed the five year old over there too," Chuck said and rolled his eyes in amusement. Serena giggled and clapped her hands just like the five year old girl she still was in her heart.


	8. Chapter 8

**Hey everyone! It's been a while but this time I'm back and I got request about longer chapters so now you got a pretty long one although I have to say that you might get shorter chapters but more frequently updates. It's totally up to the story, depends on how the story goes **

**Thanx for the reviews, they make me happy as usual! **

**To answer your reviews, here we go :D**

**LiBy23: thanks so much! Hopefully you will like this chapter!**

**HnM skinnys: thanks again for your supporting words!**

**Thegoodgossipgirl: I understand how you mean that was not how I meant it. The thing would be that Chuck being Chuck obviously told Blair that he liked being single just to hurt her and also because he's afraid of saying what he's really feeling. So he didn't just give it a go, he desperately wants to get back with Blair but he doesn't really now how he can right now because he have hurt her so much in the past. Eric and Serena obviously knows that Chuck loves Blair so therefore Eric's advice to Chuck that he should just give the whole thing some time. You know what they say, Rom wasn't built on one day :P**

**Guardian izz: As always, I love to read your reviews! And I might actually take up on one, because as you say; doing something totally new is very much Blair's way of dealing with things. Haha, I'm kind of glad that you thought he was portrayed as a jackass because that was the writing I was looking for so I'm not insulted at all and now you're finally getting a longer chapter! =)**

**8. We're so close but yet so far apart. **

After their first meeting they didn't see each other for weeks. Blair was glad for that. She tried to avoid him as much as possible. Instead she and Mike came even closer but every time Serena asked Blair firmly stated that they were just friends and they would keep it that way. It was on one of Blair and Mike's usually walks that it happened. She didn't really know how, but it did. They kissed, or it was more like a peck and she didn't really know how to react so she ran away, because exactly like a certain person she hadn't seen in weeks she was an expert in the fine art of hide and seek. Mike called the next day and Blair cursed herself for accepting to eat breakfast together because it was bound to be awkward, how could it now? He had been the perfect gentleman, first trying to just be there for her and make her laugh and then giving her a goodnight kiss and she had acted like she was terrified of boys and their bacillus. It felt like middle school all over again.

"Hey, there you are! I thought you ditched me," Mike said and laughed.

"Well, I certainly thought about it," Blair joked but as a matter of fact she had indeed thought about just skipping everything. Maybe New York wasn't the right place for her, she should just move to a quiet villa in the South or something. How good as that sounded reality came knocking on the door and a villa on the country would never be possible. New York was her life, she just had to accept that and stop wallowing.

"So, how are you?" Mike asked.

"I'm fine. Can't complain."

"So you're not upset or something about last night?" He asked curious.

"Well, of course not!"

"Because you seemed pretty eager to get away as fast as possible."

"No, what makes you think that?" Hm, maybe the fact that she had practically ran away from him, even with her high heels on.

"I like you Blair." She froze, this could not be happening… or could it? Damn it, she was not ready for this! So she answered something that was true, but maybe not the truth he was looking for.

"I like you too."

Mike raise his eyebrows, and studied her carefully.

"Well, I like you in a I-want-to-be-more-than-friends way. And something gives me the feeling that you don't like me the same way."

She couldn't deny that he was right and she couldn't lie to him because he deserved more. But maybe Mike was what she needed, he was like Nate, easy and no drama but he was unlike Nate in the sense that he was actually was interested in _her_ and he wasn't so boring as Nate even though Nate had loosen up a lot since high school.

"I guess I understand. Chuck must've hurt you more than I ever imagine a guy could do. I understand that you need time but it's been two years Blair, you need to move on and I'm not like Chuck. I can't promise I won't hurt you but I can promise you that I will always be here for you and I will never leave you."

Blair started to sob. Why couldn't she just be head over heels for Mike? Then life would have been so much easier.

"Don't cry Blair," Mike said soothingly and brushed away some hair from her face.

"I- I just wished I would feel the same way for you. Then my life would have been so much easier."

Mike smiled at her, a sad one but also filled with admiration.

"Well, life's not supposed to be easy. I really wanted you to feel the same way as I did, that you felt that we might have something together but you're not feeling that and that's okay. What you need to know is that I will still always be here for you Blair," he said sincerely.

"I believe you and I love you for that. I want you to know how much you've done for me and how important you are in my life," Blair said and looked him in the eyes. He nodded and brushed away the tears that had fallen on her cheeks.

"Goodbye Blair."

"Goodbye Mike."

Chuck tightened his grip of the glass. It wasn't even noon and he had already started with the scotch. He had been on his way to work when he'd seen Blair together with some blonde dude and he couldn't stand how comfortable they looked together. He hadn't talked or seen Blair for weeks, she avoided him like the plague and he was too afraid to do anything. So, Gossip Girl had probably been right about him, he was a coward. Because he could blame Blair, he could be cruel to her, ask her why she'd never came to Paris for him, but in the end, it was the simple truth that he was a coward. Or otherwise he would have done something; he would have swallowed his pride for the only girl he ever loved. But he didn't and that made him weak. In a way Blair had never been. And she never would be.

She was weak. All she ever could think about was _him_. And the way he made her feel. And it wasn't just good, since he'd come back she had relived her pain in a way she knew he hated. Because when he got to know about it all these years ago he always blamed himself, even when she was with Nate. But that was who he was, he always took the blame. He always felt like a failure and when he did she jus wanted to hold him and tell him that he made her happier than anyone else could. She got up from the couch she sat in, it was enough! Hadn't she said_, promised_, him that she would not be weak anymore? It was time for her to keep her promises.

Chuck got up from his couch, he had to get out. He had been sitting in his suite all day and just pitied himself and that was not okay. _Get a grip man_, he He cursed himself. He ran a through his hair, he should have showered but he had almost forgot what it meant to be a normal person. He hadn't met people for weeks and all he could do was sitting all by himself, drinking and keep thinking about _her_. He was pathetic. And so in love.

He was on his way out when he spotted a photograph. It was of him and Blair. It stung in his heart, he looked at the photo. They looked so happy. It had been one of the best days in his life.

_*Three years ago*_

"_Honey, we're gonna be late," Blair called out. Chuck smiled when he heard her voice, he had always hated pet names but he loved when she called him 'honey', although he would never tell her that. _

"_Don't call me honey!"_

"_You love it, just admit it!" she teased but little did she know that he indeed loved it. But mostly he loved her. He smiled at her and brought her closer for a kiss._

"_Seriously, we really have to go," Blair said, slightly out of breath as she broke the kiss. _

"_Can't we just skip dinner?" Chuck whined. Apparently they couldn't because thirty minutes later he was sitting next to Blair and talking about white wines with his step-mother. _

"_So, you guys been together one year soon," Serena said enthusiastic. Blair smiled and squeezed Chuck's hand under the table. He pressed a soft kiss on the top of her head._

"_Yes, we have," Blair answered dreamily. _

"_What are you gonna do?" _

"_I don't know. Chuck won't let me know," Blair said and pouted at Chuck. He just laughed. It was going to be amazing. But nothing near what she was. She was his entire world. He had lived so many years of his life without her by his side but now he could not imagine not having her right next to him. _

"_Well, that's because then it wouldn't be a surprise, now would it?" _

_Blair rolled her eyes at him. _

_They continued to eat, laugh and talk about their lives since they didn't get the chance to eat together so often. It was nice, he never had a family like this but he was also dying to be alone with Blair. _

"_You want to get out of here?" He whispered softly in her ear. She looked at him, and she could see that was what he really wanted. _

"_Yeah, sure. Let me just go and get my purse." She kissed him softly and then left the table. _

"_Thanks for tonight but we have to go now. We'll se you all soon," he said and excused himself. _

"_You ready?" He asked. _

"_Yeah, let's go home."_

"_Actually, no." _

_Blair looked at him surprised._

"_No?"_

_Chuck just smiled and took her hand. When they came outside there was a red cabriolet parked. Blair looked at him suspiciously when he jumped in._

"_What are you doing Chuck?" _

"_What does it look like? Come on!" He grinned like a cheshire cat. _

"_Do you even know how to drive?" She asked with doubt in her voice._

"_Blair, I was born rich, not dumb," he said and tried to look insulted. _

_They drove for a while, both of them were awfully quiet which wasn't like them but either of them minded really, it was a comfortable silence. Blair looked at Chuck as he drove the car, he looked so handsome and so happy which made her heart melt. After everything they'd been through they finally got the chance to be happy. _

_Chuck slowed down the car. They were on Staten Island now. _

"_Chuck… what are we doing here?" _

"_Wait. Come with me." They walked together for a while until soft music was heard. _

_Blair gaped, in front of her were a table with two chairs and there was an small orchestra playing her favorite song, Moon river. _

"_Is… is this for me?" She asked with watered eyes._

"_Of course it is." Chuck looked at her worriedly. _

"_Don't cry Blair, I just wanted to surprise you because it's out one year anniversary tomorrow but I'm not gonna be able to be there because of the business trip, you know."_

"_I'm not sad, Bass. I'm happy. This is so romantic." She smiled and dried her eyes. _

_After the dinner Chuck asked her to dance. _

"_What's all this? You never dance and here we are, on the street, alone in the night, dancing?" She asked softly._

"_You remember that movie we saw? It was the night after I told you I loved you."_

"_The notebook?" _

"_Yeah, you said that was your favorite right after all those old movies I know you like. And you said that sometimes you wished that you were Allie because she had Noah and he loved her even though they were miles apart. I wanted to give that to you, I hope I can give that to you because Blair, I will love you forever. I do believe, just like Noah, that our love can create miracles and that it can do anything we want it to." He looked at her with nothing but love and adoration in his eyes and then he pulled out something. A key. _

"_Noah built a house to Allie, even though he didn't know if she would ever come back. I didn't build this for you Blair but I was there all the time. I designed it and I decorated parts of the house, the rest I left for you."_

"_Where's this house?" She asked. _

"_It's in France. You know that little place we went to last summer? We both loved it, Montpellier." _

"_I don't know what to say. I just want you to know that I love you so much." _

"_That's enough for me Blair. And I want you to know that whatever happens between us, this house will always be yours. Just like my heart."_

He didn't know what it was but something held him back. He wasn't ready to meet the outside world. Not yet. So he poured himself a scotch and lay down on the couch.

She was finally here. She hadn't been here for four years, because right after high school graduation Chuck bought the Empire which meant that it was always there they were or together in the apartment Chuck bought for them but she knew that he stayed at the Palace now. Serena had told her, not that she had asked but under the years they've been apart her best friend knew that even though she never directly asked about him she wanted to know how he was and what he was doing more than anything else. It felt weird to stand outside 1812. The place that held so many memories. For Chuck it was his home, he had grown up here. For her it was so much more, because she knew that Chuck might despise the place in a way because it reminded him of his childhood and all the bad things that had happened him but for her it was an oasis of memories. When she and Chuck had their affair during junior she came to the Palace as much as she possible could and it was something special with the room. She looked at the door. Then she just turned around and got in the elevator because she could change her mind. She couldn't do this. It was too much, too soon. She wasn't ready to let him in yet, even though she knew she would never be happy with another man.


	9. Chapter 9

**I'm back! Sorry, been out of town for a while but I have been able to complete some chapters and I'm actually working on a new one. Hopefully you will see the result before then end of the week :) Anyways, I hope you will like it and review and share your thoughts on the chapter and the way the story is going!**

**Cheers! =)**

**9. You're slipping through my fingers. **

"You have to go and see her Chuck!"

"Look, Serena. It's not that easy," Chuck defended himself.

"Don't you think I know that? I've lived in this the last two years and now it seems worse than ever."

"Why? The last time I saw her she seemed perfectly happy with that blonde dude," Chuck snapped.

"Oh, no. You do not get to be jealous! And just so you know, Blair hasn't spoken to Mike for two months, and neither have you."

"So, now it's my fault?"

"Yes, it is and it's always been. Blair actually liked Mike but she will never be able to love someone the way she loves you and you just throws her away without even caring!", Serena screamed at him with tears in her eyes. He looked away in shame; he couldn't stand the resentment in Serena's eyes. He knew he was to blame for all of this. The reason why Blair hadn't been seen out in two months. Damn it, why did he have to be such a jerk? He should've gone to her that night but instead he drank himself away.

"I wished she never met me," he said quietly.

"Just stop it Chuck. Don't sit here and feel sorry for yourself, do something before it's too late. Because if you don't, I will never forgive you for what you did to Blair."

Blair looked herself in the mirror. Her eyes were dark and hooded and she felt like she was in junior high all over again, dating Nate and just being miserable. Because she had been, until he came along that is. Why did she have to meet him? He just ruined everything. He was like a tornado that destroyed everything in his way. She hadn't been out since she had gone to his suite, which had been two months ago. She hadn't talked to Mike although they were still friends. At least she supposed so. The only person she had talked to was Serena and that was when Serena called her once a week, it had been once a day before but talking to Blair had been like talking to a wall so the daily calls stopped and she didn't blame Serena at all.

She blamed _him_. Or did she? Maybe she just blamed herself. Probably because why would she puke her guts out otherwise? If she'd been strong enough, maybe he would have stayed. Maybe he would have fought for her. But she wasn't strong, she was weak. A poor excuse for a human being. It would be so easy. Just take some pills or use that razorblade that almost seemed to scream after her. So easy. But maybe she was too weak to do that too? But then she reminded herself that she had promised that she never would be weak anymore. She accused him of being a liar but maybe she was the one who couldn't keep her promises and do what she said that she would do. This had to end. She looked herself in the mirror one last time, she felt despise for the person she had become.

"_I will never forgive you for what you did to Blair."_ The words rang in his ears. She was right. It was time for him to man up. To be the man Blair so strongly had believed he was. The man that carried people, only then he still had been young and lost. It hadn't changed much. He was still lost but now, for the first time in a long time, he knew what he wanted. Maybe he'd known all along, but now was the first time in two years he admitted it, said it out loud. He wanted Blair; she was all he ever wanted. He still wanted everything with her that he had wanted two years ago. The house, the kids, the marriage, the love. They were inevitable. The always had been. Now he just had to prove it, show her that he had grown up. He didn't know if he really had but he knew that something was different.

Five minutes later, he was out of the door. He was nervous, more nervous than he had ever been in his life. He was gonna see her. Twenty minutes later he was standing outside the fancy, new apartment Blair apparently had bought after college and that he supposedly shouldn't know of but he was Chuck Bass so of course he did know about it.

"Blair. It's me, Chuck." He knocked gently. No answer. After another five knocks he started to get worried. Why didn't she open? Well, maybe because he'd been a jerk and didn't want to see him but didn't she understand that this made him worry?

"Blair, open up!" He raised his voice. When he was met by no answer he decided to break up the door, he hoped no one would see him because then the cops would probably be here before he could say 'busted' and he sure didn't want to see her from jail the first time in two months. When he finally came through the door he was met by silent. It terrified him. Blair might enjoy peace and quiet but not for a long time and never when she was alone. She said that it made her remember when she was younger and alone, making herself sick. Now she was alone and it was quiet and Chuck was more terrified than he ever had been in his adult life.

"Blair?" he asked quietly as he entered the living room. No answer, the whole apartment was surrounded by a peace that would have been beautiful if the circumstances had been different.

He checked in every room, except for the bathroom. He didn't dare to, but when he had gone through every room he knew that he had to. He was afraid, but this was his Blair, he owed her that, after everything he'd done to her she deserved someone to love her and take care of her. He didn't deserve her but God had been good to him because there was no way that she, Blair Waldorf, would fall for him, Chuck Bass, if God didn't like him very, very much.

"NOOO!" he screamed at the sight of her. She lied there, in the corner of the bathroom with a razorblade beside her and blood dripping down slowly, regularly. She looked exhausted, lifeless. He knelt beside her. Hoping that her heart still pounded.

"My god, Blair. Why?" He silently asked as he kissed the top of her head. He didn't know how long time that passed from the moment he called 911 and when the ambulance finally came. He just stayed there, with Blair in his arm, praying that she would survive so he could tell her how much he loved her and how he never, ever would leave her side again.

* * *

"How is she?" Serena asked, tears streaming down her face.

"I don't know, they say she lost a lot of blood," Chuck answered and swallowed the lump in his throat. He sat down, and ran his hand through his hair. He wondered if he would be one of these men that got gray hair way too soon. It wouldn't surprise him, after all, he had lived through more tragedies in his young life than most people did under a lifetime.

"Here, I got you some coffee. Thought you might need it", Nate said and gave Chuck a mug.

He took a sip, it should have felt nice and warming but it didn't. It felt tasteless and he wanted to spit it out but instead he drank it all. It didn't matter. None of it mattered as long as Blair laid there, fighting for her life. A life she had wanted to end. That was what was most painful. To know that the girl he loved, admired and thought the world of had seen no other way than to end her life.

"Why did she do this? Why?" Serena asked. Nate took her hand and didn't let go under the whole time they waited. It made Chuck jealous in a way, the insight of knowing that he might not be able to ever hold Blair's hand again, comfort her and telling her that everything would be okay, that he would always be there for here.

He didn't say anything to Serena's questions. He knew that it was his fault. It always were and especially when it came down to Blair. He always managed to hurt her, no matter what he did.

"You know what Chuck? If you never would have come back she might have been alright. She would have had Mike, her family, me and Nate and she might still have loved you but at least she would have been happy. So happy that she could have been without you and the drama you put her through every single time!" Serena's eyes shot daggers at him but he could see that most of all she was afraid, just like he was. Afraid that the beautiful brunette they both known since they could barely walk would leave them forever, left with only their grief and regrets for what they'd done to her. Things they never would be able to take back if she didn't wake up.

"Serena. You can't put all the blame on Chuck," Nate said quietly.

"I can't? He was gone two years! And the moment he came back my best friend ended up in the hospital fighting for her life? And I can't blame him?"

"Well, at least she did something when I came back! Instead of smiling and pretending that everything was just perfect!" Chuck snapped. He regretted the words the moment they came out. Did he just say that? God, he was a jerk. Apparently Serena thought so too because she slapped him. Hard.

"You're a jerk. You don't deserve her. You never have and I don't ever want to be in the same room as you," She said coldly and walked away.

"She's right man. You don't deserve her, but she deserves to be happy. I should know, she stood up with me for ten years and she was never happy. But when we broke up, it was okay because she had you. When you two broke up she was devastated. You meant everything to her and you throw her away. Don't do that mistake again because if she survives, this will be the last chance that you will ever get. If you're even getting one, which you can only pray for. I won't blame her if she never wants to see you but I hope for both of yours sake that she will." Nate got up and gave Chuck a squeeze on the shoulders.

"You're on your own now, man," he said and left.

* * *

"Hey, I'm Dr. John Stevens. You're related to Miss Waldorf?"

"Well, technically I'm not. But I've known her my whole life. How is she? Can I see her?"

Dr. Stevens looked carefully at the dark haired man in front of him, he looked exhausted. Like ha hadn't slept for a week.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I forgot to introduce myself, I'm Chuck Bass." Chuck said and shook the doctor's hand.

"Well, as you probably know I can't really tell you anything about her since you're not a relative."

"Please. I know I'm the one who caused this, I'm the one to blame and I will spend the rest of my life making this up to her."

"Damn it. Okay, this way. Ten minutes, that's all I can give you for now. After tomorrow it's up to Miss Waldorf to decide who se will want to see. I will keep her here for at least another three days."

"Okay. Here goes nothing. Wish me good luck doc," Chuck said sarcastic and took a deep breath as he stepped inside room 1812. How ironic.


	10. Chapter 10

**10. Epic love is for fairytales, not for us. **

He walked carefully inside the room. He hated hospitals. They were so hollow and creepy. There was nothing warm or welcoming with them at all and it felt wrong that she had to stay here. Then he saw her, she lay peacefully in the bed, she looked like a princess he thought.

"Blair?" he asked quietly, worried that he would scare her.

"Chuck? Is that you?" she asked, as if she couldn't really believe that he actually was there.

"Yeah, it's me Blair. God, I've been so worried. How are you?" Chuck let out a relieved smile. And the moment he did, it was as something snapped inside of Blair and she remembered who he really was and what had happened.

"What are you doing here?" she asked with no hint of emotions at all in her voice.

"I-I wanted to see you. Make sure you're okay", he said hesitantly.

She let out a laugh, a hollow one that gave him chills.

"Make sure I'm okay?"

"Yeah." Damn, why did he have to be so lame?

"I just tried to kill myself and you think I'm okay?"

"No. I know you're not and I know I'm the one to blame. Please forgive me Blair."

"No, you don't get to be the hero here. It was my decision; I was the one with the razorblade cutting through my own flesh. Not you Chuck. You left me. You don't deserve to be in my life anymore." The words were harsh but the girl that said them was weak and tired which scared the hell out of him. She might think she was strong right now but he knew better, he knew her better than anyone and he could tell that this just was a show she put on.

He could deal with a Blair that hated him, that wanted to slap him, but a girl that was too exhausted to care about his existence? That he couldn't handle. It reminded him too much of his childhood when he got used to the empty feeling you got when someone constantly ignored you.

"Okay, Blair. If that's how you want to play it, fine. I know I don't deserve you, everyone keeps telling me that but for Christ's sake, I love you! You know I do. I know I shouldn't have left you, I shouldn't have been so insecure but I was and I've regretted that since the day we broke up. But that's me. I can't change who I am, I can try to be better and for you I will. I will be better." He bended over carefully and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek, he shouldn't have done it, even if it wasn't much, for them it were and just as he expected she flinched and it broke his heart. She had never flinched when he had touched her before but now she did, even though it was such a simple gesture.

"It's not enough." She didn't dare to meet his eyes because if she did she might break down completely and she couldn't do that. Not now and not in front of him. She didn't need more pity or people who told her that she looked weak and needed to rest.

"You told me that you wanted all that. The house and the kids, don't you still want that?" He was pleading to her now, he was desperate. Grasping for every little straw that could hold them together because they were slipping through his fingers and he didn't know what he would do if there was no 'us' anymore.

"Maybe I do. Maybe I just don't want it with you", she knew she was cruel but it was the only way to protect herself from him and the words she had been dying to hear from him since she was seventeen.

"I don't believe you. You said our love was epic." She had said that, and she still believed that but she wouldn't let him know that. Maybe there were a reason that fairytales was just fairytales? They weren't true and epic love was never meant to end happy. It was meant to be passion, painful and bigger than life itself. She was sure they had that, but it didn't mean anything right now. Just more pain and destruction.

"Epic love is for fairytales. We were never that and we never will be."

"Two years is a long time. I've grown up and I will not give up on us." He was so serious that it scared her. Because she knew that she could break him down if she wanted to, with her coldness and cruelness. She could make him suffer the way she'd suffer for the last two years.

"I should know. I'm the expert of judging exactly how long time two years is." Her words stung but he knew he deserved it. She might be cruel and cold towards him but he knew that she was more fragile than ever right now and he would be there for her. Whatever she wanted it or not.

* * *

"How are you feeling?" Serena asked with a smile. She was so happy to finally see her friend, for a moment she hadn't been sure if she ever would get the chance to look into those hazel brown eyes and now that she did she couldn't be more thankful. They might have had their indifferences but they were best friends and as close to sisters that you can be when you're not related by blood.

"I'm okay. My arms aren't but I can handle it," Blair joked.

"You know what, it's not funny. We thought we would lose you. Why, Blair?" Serena said and the smile was gone since a long time.

"I rather not talk about it."

"But we have to! You tried to kill yourself!"

"I'm aware of that! And I failed, exactly the way I've been failing my whole life," Blair said with resentment in her voice.

"Failed? You called surviving, failing? You're not a failure, you're my best friend, you're Blair Waldorf."

"Tell Chuck that," she said quietly, the words out before she could stop them.

"So, it's really what this is about? Because I can't imagine you wanna die for someone else than my step-brother," Serena said coldly.

"Please, Serena. Try to understand me!" Blair begged her blonde friend.

"How can I do that? You're strong Blair. You can't let another man define your life or you for that matter."

"I'm strong? Chuck used to say that a lot. And still it's me who ended up in the hospital with her wrists sliced up," Blair said with sarcasm, even though it wasn't anything remotely funny with the situation at all.

"You are. I know what Chuck meant to you but he's not worth killing yourself over."

"Maybe he's not. But it's not worth living without him either," Blair answered quietly as the tears started to stream down her face.

* * *

A/N: Yes, it seems that Chuck's very lame and all that and sure, he might not be begging so much but after all this is Blair, the love of his life, she just tried to kill herself and with Chuck's issues when it comes to taking the blame for everyone and everything that's happening it would just be natural that he felt very much guilt over what happened to Blair.

I kind of wanted to explore the desperate and very vulnerable side of Chuck and the fact that Blair shuts him out is not new and neither is it weird because face it, Chuck has done his wrongs too. Next chapter will explore what happens when Blair comes home and if Chuck will be able to be the nice guy that does everything to win the girl of his dreams heart or if it will be too much to handle, even for a Bass.

Sta tuned!


	11. Chapter 11

**So, I'm actually starting to wrap this story together and I'm working on the last chapter. This isn't extremley long but it's like the build-up for the ending which I hope will be great. I want to thank you all for joining me through this story and I hope you have liked it this far! Hopefully you will stay with me until the last chapter!**

**ENJOY! =)**

**11. It's time to stop playing and start living. **

"I don't know if I can do this anymore." Chuck sighed and paced impatiently.

"Come on man, you've made it through this far. Don't give up now," his best friend Nathaniel Archibald tried to encourage him but even he saw the broken man in front of him and he couldn't help but wonder when the two of his best friends that he loved so much had gone so totally wrong and ended up here, miserable, exhausted and alone.

He hadn't really known if he believed in true love, like real, pure love. Sure he had loved Blair, but he had never been in love with her and though Serena was the girl that owned his heart it wasn't until his two friends ended up together that he understood the whole concept of true love and soul mates. Because the love he had seen that Chuck and Blair shared couldn't even compare to love he had seen before, it was consuming, passionate, genuine, love, happiness but also desperation and self-destruction.

He had never had that, with Serena everything was easy and sure, it was nice with easy and maybe if Chuck and Blair had had easy love it wouldn't be so complicated but then, it was never what they were. They were complicated. They were passionate, destructive in the way that if you were loved by one of them you could always count on the fact that they would give you their entire heart and soul, even if it would destroy them in the end. It wasn't healthy really, but it was true and it was love in its purest form.

Nate and Serena had been privileged to have that love from them but mostly that was the kind of love Chuck and Blair had for each other. At least it was what they used to have. Nate didn't doubt the fact that they still loved each other but he wasn't sure if they would ever find the kind of love they once had. If they ever would be able to re-build the once so strong and happy couple they were. But he hoped, for both of their sake's because he couldn't stand the unhappiness his friends suffered right now.

"I've been trying to be there for her. I really have, but you know, it really is exhausting to give everything you have and not getting anything back. I mean I get that she don't want to be with me but I can't stand her rejections every time I try to reach her. I don't even recognize her anymore and it scares the shit out of me." He swallowed the lump in his throat, he would not breakdown. He was strong, he carried people. That was what she had said, but then again, wasn't that the old Blair? The Blair that didn't despise him and didn't try to kill herself.

"I'm gonna be honest with you man. I've never been in anything remotely near your situation and I cannot imagine how it feels but I do know you and Blair. You were the one that gave us other hope about true love. Remember the summer after you told her you loved her?" Chuck nodded, he did remember it. It was one of summers in his life, he had never been so happy.

"Man, the way you looked at her. It's the way every girl dreams about, that a guy will look at her with adoration and such complete and totally love. And the way she looked at you, it was the way she never looked at me. She looked at you as if you were the only person in the whole world and you were to her. I remember a day in July when I talked to her and she was literally glowing and she told me how much she looked up to you, for the person you'd become and she said that she was so sure of you and the love you guys had. You were her entire world."

"But I'm not anymore and I can stand much but to see the way she looks at me. Like she doesn't even care if I'm there or not, it destroys me. It eats me up inside to have the person you love ignoring you."

"I know I should probably not give you advice since I don't really know anything about the situation you're in but I know that she cares. I don't know her in the way you do but she's one of my best friend's and she cares. She might have changed but she is still the girl you fell in love with. But maybe she's better now? Maybe you two are even better now? Don't give up. Not yet, she doesn't want you too. I know that, the day you stop is the day Blair will give up too because you are her world, you still are even though everything you guys been through. She just hasn't dared to admit that yet because she's hurt, but she loves you, you know she does."

"Well, as glad that I am for your pep talk I'm not really seeing that." Chuck slammed his whiskey glass in the table.

"Well, I better be going. Drinking won't get you anywhere, you know." Nate gave him a reassuring clap on the shoulder and headed towards the door.

Just as he was about to open the door he stopped. "She loves you, you know."

Chuck watched his blonde friend disappear and was left alone with only his thoughts as company.

She looked out at the window. Seeing all these people, happy, content, in love, made her wonder how she ended up here. If somebody asked her five years ago what she thought about her future she hadn't seen this coming. Alone, barely speaking with the man she so clearly still loves, surviving from a suicide attempt and more distant from the outside world than ever. She had told Serena that living without him might be exactly why life wouldn't be worth living and she though her effort she had survived and she still lived without him in her life. She didn't have any plans to try to kill herself again, but she wondered a little bit that if she now planned on stay alive, why on earth did she keep pushing him away?

It wasn't logical, but then she never had been when it came to them. He hadn't come by for over a week. Maybe she finally had succeeded to do what she predicted all along; break him.

She continued to stare out of the window for a long time before she was interrupted.

"Hello?" the voice of Eric Van Der Woodsen called out.

"In here," she replied.

"Hi, how are you?" Eric asked and greeted her with a hug.

"Well, I'm alive. I've been better, though." She sighed and smiled weakly at the blonde.

"It's him, isn't it?"

"Isn't it always?"

"Yeah… so, I've been told that you haven't talked with him since you've been coming home?"

"Yeah…"

"But, you love him, right?"

"It's just so hard. I mean, I don't know if he will ever forgive me. I've been so horrible to him. Even I wouldn't forgive me," she swallowed tightly and blinked back the tears that was about to come.

"Maybe. But that's not what I asked. You still love him, don't you?" Eric pressed, he wasn't this forward usually but they had been doing this for far too long and it was time for them to grow the hell up and accept the fact that they still loved each other, that they never stopped loving each other.

Blair sat silence for a long time, until she finally met Eric's eyes. She didn't say anything, she didn't have to. It was so obvious for any person that knew Chuck and Blair that she still loved him, that they still loved each other so she just nodded.

"Well, then it's time for you two to get yourself together! Life's to short, remember? You can't waste your lives doing, what the hell you two are doing. There is so many people out there that is alone that if you two, two people that love each other don't work it out, well where's the hope for everybody else then?"

Blair smiled a warm smile that reached her eyes this time.

"Chuck was right. You've always been the wise one." With those words she gave him a kiss on the cheek and then she was gone.

Eric smiled; maybe they all would get their happy ending after all.


	12. Chapter 12

**It hasn't gone fast but now I'm finally back with the last chapter! Hope you guys like it! :)**

**12.**

**We've been pushing each other far too long, let's end this tonight. **

Blair felt her heart starting to beat faster as she pressed the elevator button. So many thoughts were spinning around in her head and she didn't really know if she should be happy or terrified. She guessed she was a little bit of both. Happy for the fact that they might get their chance now, maybe it was their turn to finally be happy? But she was also terrified, terrified to see him again, for real this time. Terrified that it would not be enough, that too much had happened between them and that he would reject her. She was terrified to feel love again. Because even if it was what most people would do anything to feel, it had been cruel to her. It had crushed her and destroyed her in a way she never would have imagined.

The elevator stopped, she took a deep breath, the moment of truth was finally here.

She walked quickly against suite 1812 and then knocked gently.

Chuck heard the soft knocking, he wasn't really in the mood to see anyone but as the knocking continued, not harder or faster, just in the same regular pace as before he felt that he had too. It seemed that the person knocking would not stop anytime soon and he really wanted to get back to his scotch and cigarette.

He lazily got up and walked slowly to the door. When he opened the door he was stunned. The person on the other side was the one he least expected.

"Hey," she said hesitantly.

"Hey," he replied back but didn't do anything, he didn't even move. They stared at each other in completely silence.

"So, you're gonna make a girl stand here forever or what?" she tried to joke, a pathetic try to break the ice.

"Yeah. Of course," he laughed nervously while he gave her a gesture to step in. He took off her coat and he could feel his fingers trembling when he was about to hang it up.

"Drink?"

"Yes, thank you," she answered as she sat down on the couch. She would probably need something to calm down her nerves.

She watched him silently as he poured himself a scotch on the rocks and a Kettle One Tonic. She didn't know why it surprised her that he still remembered her favorite drink. He'd known her better than anyone and he probably knew her shoe size too. He gave her the drink and sat down on the couch beside her. They both sat in silence, but it didn't feel comfortable the way it always used to be with them, now it was an awkward silence and she never thought that would happen them.

"So, how have you been?" She couldn't bear the silence anymore.

"Good." His tone was short, not rude but not warm either. She couldn't blame him really, he had tried for so long, fought for her more than anyone else could imagine and he had paid for his mistakes. She hadn't been nice to him and it had been weeks since they last saw each other.

"I'm sorry," she finally said, looking down in shame. She couldn't bear to meet his eyes, she knew she should but how could she, when she had treated him so awful after all his efforts to win her back?

"Why?" He tried to sound neutral but he felt surprised, not that she hadn't done anything wrong, more the fact that she actually would come to him and apologize after weeks of horrible treatment from her.

"Because I've been horrible to you."

Chuck didn't say anything back.

"Can't argue that," he said.

"Can you ever forgive me?"

"I can. But why should I?" He knew he probably could forgive her in a heartbeat but he didn't really want to, or he did but he also knew that she hadn't been nice to him the last couple of weeks and he kind of wanted to punish her for that. But maybe that was the problem with them. They always wanted to get even.

"You've treated me like air for weeks and now you come in here and just expect me to forgive you?" he continued with a hint of venom in his voice.

"No," was all she could muster to say. It was so lame, pathetic but she didn't know what to say, he was right on everything.

"God, I missed you for so long and I regretted that I didn't swallow my pride those years ago because then we would have been together now. But, now, meeting you again. I don't know what to say Blair. I still love you, I always will I guess. But the way you've been looking at me these past weeks, do you understand how hard it is to being ignored and treated like nothing by the person you would do anything for?" Chuck's voice broke at the end of the sentence and for Blair it felt like her heart broke too.

"I'm sorry."

"God, can you stop saying that!" Chuck exploded, he was tired of it. Tired of hearing her excuses, tired of never being able to have a normal life, tired of the constant pain in his heard. He was tired of it all. Blair took a deep breath, he had the right to an explanation. He had opened his heart for her, now it was the time that she did the same. He didn't deserve to be punished forever for something they both had contributed to.

"I-I don't know why I've been pushing you away. I-I loved you so much C-Chuck and when you proposed to me that day it was the best and the worst day of my life. The best because I finally knew that you also wanted the same things that I did. It made me so happy. The worst because I didn't want you to rush into it all, we were still so young, we still are and I knew that you were scared out of your mind to the possibility of losing me, especially since all that stuff with Nate our senior year but I didn't want you to propose just so you could make sure that I would be yours. I was yours, even if it wasn't on paper you were the only one for me. Why couldn't you see that? Why couldn't you see the same things that I did? That we were meant to be, that we didn't have to rush things. When you moved to Paris I felt like I lost the person who understood me in a way no one else could. I felt worse than ever and when you came back everything just came back to me. How much you meant to me, I thought I'd moved on but I realized I hadn't and I couldn't stand the way my life had turned out. Such a completely failure, you'd done something important and good with your life but I was still at the same place as I was two years ago." She paused. He never let her eyes off her but he didn't say anything so she continued, "I don't think I wanted to die, I just didn't know what to do. And then you were so nice to me and I couldn't handle it. The same way you couldn't handle feelings when we were younger, so I pushed you away as much as I could. I thought that you might get tired of me and move on."

"I thought about it, you know. Giving up I mean. Nate convinced me otherwise. He said that you still loved me, that he could see it. I didn't know what to think. Since I've been back it has been feeling like I don't know you at all. It scared the shit out of me."

"He was right, you know. I love you." It was a simple statement but maybe it was what they needed. Going back to basic, maybe it was when they lost the basics that they had lost their relationship. Chuck closed his eyes. It was easy. All he needed to do was to forgive her, to say that he wanted to be with her. For real this time. And for the first time in his life he did what was easy because it felt right.

"I love you too." He swallowed but smiled slightly. She immediately hugged him for what felt like an eternity. He didn't mind though, it felt nice to be able to hold her again.

She wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him softly. They both smiled, this was what they were supposed to do all along. This was right.

"Blair?" He pulled away slightly.

"Yes?" she answered and met his gaze.

"Promise you won't do _that_ again," he whispered as he softly caressed her hands.

She just nodded.

"Good. Because I couldn't bear to live without you."

As he lie beside Blair later that night he thought about how lucky he was. How lucky they were. He thought that if he died now, at least he'd died happy. But he hoped he got to live a long life together with the person who'd been his first and only love.

When she woke up the next morning and saw him sleeping peacefully beside him she smiled. He looked so content and it warmed her heart. He deserved to be happy, they all did. When she thought back on how close it was that they screwed it up for good it gave her chills. She didn't know what she'd do without him. It scared her how depending she was on him, just like she knew when she was younger and it hadn't changed a bit. It had only grown stronger, just like her love for him had.

**THE END**

**Yeah, there it was! I'm so happy you all been joining me on this journey and thanx for all the kind words! They makes me smile everytime I read them :) Hope you all liked this story and please let me know what you thought about the end. I wanted a happy ending this time, it feels like they totally deserve it! **


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